So it's really odd....but I've been thinking lately...

It used to bother me when people I thought were my friends blew me off. Never called or texted me back, never let me help them, never really talked to me. I busted my ass trying to be friends with them.

It takes losing a shit ton of friends to realize that I didn't reall need them. I've lost a lot of friends in the past year or so. One because they abused some of my friends, and my trust. One who became rude to me for no apparant reason even when I tried to help them. One because they overreacted and told me I bashed the troops, called me a bitch and a liar. One who betrayed my trust by never telling me she had a problem with me but kept talking about me behind my back. One who lied to me about stuff and twisted the facts. A few who just didn't make the effort that I did. Several of those, actually.

It just...it really sucks to lose friends. Every happy moment you have with them become tainted. Every memory is suddenly bittersweet, making you wonder if it had been a long time coming or if you had ignored signs.

And then there's the fall out residue. Mutual friends? Are they taking sides, do you have to watch what you say to them because they'll run their mouths? Do they believe what the other person is saying about you? What about a common place to hang out? Is it like a divorce, joint custody? Do you get to go there for your birthday and christmas, and they get it the other days of the year? What if you still have some of their stuff? Do you give it back, or would they even accept it?

I don't know...but losing all these people have made me absolutely certain of the real people I can trust. People who know me well enough to know when I'm not ok, calling or texting just because they are reminded of me.

I truly hate myself most of the times. But then there are times, such as when a friend who doesn't miss anyone (or at least admits to it) gives me a hug and tells me she misses me, or someone who knows exactly how messed up inside I really am still trusts my opinion, or at least even cares...those are the times I think maybe I'm actually worth something.

If I call you my friend, I will do pretty much anything in my power for you. But there are a handful of people (excluding blood family) that if I didn't have the power to help them, I would get the power too. I would die for a lot of people (because I think they contribute more to the world that I do),but only a handful that if I had to, I would kill for. That I would torture or be tortured for.

Once you have my loyalty, you will have it as long as you want it. If you push me away, then fine. I may do something nice for you just so you'll be confused, but more and more I find I don't care a much about you as I used to. Because of the people who I actually value, those who I wish I were friends with dont count as much anymore. Maybe in a little while, if you show me you don't care, then I wont.

So if you value me as a friend, keep that in mind.